Hey assholes. Look. You all need to learn internet etiquette, cause you’re making the Facebook experience suck for everyone else. Over the next few pages, I’ve gathered some tips to help you not be an obnoxious troll. I’m going to try very hard and not TYPE EVERYTHING IN CAPS.
#1: DON'T TAG PEOPLE IN MESSAGES
This is probably THE most important rule. This should warrant an immediate defriending for its gross negligence of privacy. I’m not going to even go into how you tag someone in a message so less of you morons learn how to. Simply put, you cannot detag yourself from a message – only pictures and posts. That means anytime, someone responds to a message that they’re tagged in; EVERY OTHER PERSON tagged in the message receives the response. Leaving flooded inboxes and depleted phone batteries in the wake.
Unless otherwise consented to a group, for the love of god – don’t abuse Facebook messages as your private aim. Another tip – make note of the REPLY and REPLY ALL functions in messaging systems such as email. REPLY sends your reply only to the sender. REPLY ALL sends the reply to everyone CC’ed on a given message. YOU SHOULD ALWAYS LOOK FOR THIS OPTION AND CHOOSE THE APPROPRIATE RESPONSE,
I.E. NOT REPLY ALL.
(EDIT) It stands to be mentioned that with the latest update you can now choose to “leave this conversation” from a menu at the TOP OF A GROUP MESSAGE. TOO LITTLE, TOO LATE FACEBOOK.
#2: STAY ON TOPIC...STAY ON TOPIC...
A concept adults seem to have the hardest time with, staying on topic to a post or thread is key to successful Facebook communication and idea management. Let’s take an example:
The post was clearly addressing Dragon Age 2 and its shittiness. However, our stoogeIman is starting a completely new topic of conversation (not even about other equally shitty games), addressing the OP directly. This type of conversation should be saved for an individual wall post or private message, since it has nothing to do with Dragon Age 2 or how you fight the same 3 fucking mobs from the first game.
#3: DON'T POST YOUR CRAP ON FRIENDS' WALLS
#4: THREE YOUTUBE VIDEOS PER DAY
No one cares about the dumb indie crap you work on and no one can stop you from spamming your friend’s feed, but people’s indifference quickly becomes hatred when you solicit yourself over their page. You can’t stop people from advertising their crap, but you don’t have to tolerate it on your private wall.
Every Facebook user is allowed only 3 YouTube videos per day...4 if and ONLY if you’re too tired to masturbate and you’ve been stuck home all day. We all like music. We all would like other people to enjoy our music with us. However, coming home to see the same turd posting Fleetwood Mac’s entire discography one song at a time makes me hate life. Don’t fucking do it!
#5: GUYS DON'T POKE OTHER GUYS
Unless you're gay.
#6: DON'T TYPE IN ALL CAPS UNLESS YOU WANT TO SOUND RETARDED
#7: DAILY ASTROLOGY LINKS ARE WORTHLESS AND CLOG UP YOUR FRIENDS' FEEDS
DO YOU HAVE A FRIEND THAT TYPES IN ALL CAPS?! DO THEY ALSO ADD 6 EXCLAMATION POINTS TO EVERY SENTENCE?!!!! READING THIS NOW DON’T YOU PICTURE THEM SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF THEIR LUNGS AND LOOKING LIKE AN IDIOT?!!! THIS IS WHAT PEOPLE HAVE BEEN PREDISPOSED TO REGISTER FROM YEARS OF INTERNET CONVERSATIONS!!!!! SAVE YOURSELF A SHRED OF DIGNITY AND TYPE LIKE A HUMAN BEING!!!! (i.e. in lowercase)
Astrology is bullshit. Go explore drugs, choking yourself or other euphoric alternatives to color your dull existence.
#8: L2SPELL / ABBREVIATIONS
#9: WHEN IN DOUBT, USE GOOGLE!
It takes less than 10 seconds to Google a word you don’t know how to spell and to find the correct spelling. Advance your grammar and spelling skills by looking up every word or name you don’t know how to spell. You’ll sound vaguely educated and it might even get you laid.
I’d also like to touch on abbreviations in this section. Abbreviations are a relic from when phone texting consisted of hitting a number key in succession to produce a letter. Depending on the phone model, pressing the number 1 key twice would elicit an “A”, thrice a “B” and….f…rice a “C." Since texts were also limited to a number of characters, people would use common abbreviations such as “u” for “you” or “2nite” for “tonight” to save time and space. Now that we all have keypads or keyboards – using such abbreviations makes you sound like a teenager. Type the whole goddamn word out.
The most important tip anyone can give you about anything EVER. If you don’t know what something is, type in the most miniscule (look this word up using Google) detail about an object, place or idea and Google will find the correct information for you.
I’d like to think that someone learned something from all this – but chances are if you read this you’re already savvy with internet etiquette. Oh well….guess there’s only one thing left to do then…